Robber Barons
Ultra Rich Real Americans and heroes of Capitalism. They worship the Free Market like good Christians and are not like those welfare liberal queens that wait for government handouts... but they don't think there is nothing wrong with government bailouts, those are government loans that they will pay someday. Robber Barons are just like Robin hood, but instead they steal take their life savings money from the poor to give it to themselves and their rich friends so they can spend it invest it more wisely than the poor could ever understand; give thanks to the rich you ungrateful poor people! Who are these Robber Barrons Titans? These Titans of Industry, these gods of Mt. Olympus Mt. Freedom, shaped and steered America's economy to be thrust into the 21st century. These Greatest Warriors of Capitalism formed a group called "The League of Robber Barons": *Mammon: Leader of the Robber Barons and The Greatest Financier Ever!! *John D. Rockefeller: The original "Oil Man" but his friends called him "Emperor", his superpowers powered America into the 21st Century! Some believe that his blood was actually made of oil. *J. P. Morgan: "Bank Man" his superpower was his financial genius and his face of horrors. He rescued the U.S. national economy and the federal government in two separate occasions (those ungrateful biatches!). *Andrew Carnegie: "Train Man" (but J. P. Morgan called him "Steel Boy" as he was his sidekick), his superpower was to connect America's railway from coast to coast. *Charles M. Schwab: The original "Steel Man" and he was the fastest producer of steel in the world ever! During his spare time he guess stars in "Law & Order". *Henry Ford: "Car Man" his superpowers was superior mass production; he gave America the car and put the nation on wheels. There is no truth that he was a Nazi or ever been affiliated... ok he was young, naive, and he needed the money. The group met in their secret base known as "The Fortress of Freedom" (aka Standard Oil) The War Against the Poor Poverty The Greatest Heroes of Capitalism, "The League of Robber Barons", wanted to rid the world of poverty. But the job wasn't easy, for they had nemeses getting in their way to make more riches to make the world richer for America. Their enemies were bears, liberals, democrats and supervillains like "Poverty Man", "Welfare Queen", and "Labor Union Man". The poor people in the nation supported these un-american villains. The poor people instead of pulling their own bootstraps and being content of having jobs with miserly fair wages like good patriotic Americans should, instead they started to riot and joined labor unions to squeeze out all of the money that the Robber Barons needed to finance their lavish parties and ostentatious feasts their investments to make America richer. This was the beginning of the War against the poor poverty. Unions were liberal schemes and lies, they were commie bear propaganda and the ignorant masses ate it up. Unions actually fostered more poverty, and encouraged the commie lifestyle. These misguided fools workers didn't realize that if there were no more rich people, there would no more wealth to go around. Who would pay their wages? Who would you go to invest in new capital ventures? Without rich people, there would be no economic prosperity, and America would suffer under the Fascist's boots of labor unions! Which is why Unions were and still are un-american and "The League Robber Barons" were America's Greatest National Treasure. Another reason "The League of Robber Barons" were against these leeches unions was that they were stealing their superpowers. The Robber Barons got their superpowers from Money and Money gave them superpowers. Without Money they couldn't achieve their heroic feat of making the world wealthier for themselves America. The commie bears knew about this, and their greatest target was against the Robber Barons themselves! If the commie bears defeated these heroes of Capitalism, communism would reign in America for a thousand years... The Robber Barons fought many battles against the commie bears, the un-american labor unions and their supervillians. "The League of Robber Barons" had many victories and the commie bears were loosing the war. "Poverty Man" couldn't continue the fight anymore, as he was too poor, so he went back to begging on the streets, "Welfare Queen" was too lazy to keep fighting so she gave up and moved to Gaylifornia with her lesbian lover Feminazi, and "Labor Union Man" died of mysterious circumstances (he was shot thirty times in the back, the police suspected suicide). The labor unions were starting to think maybe this was not such a good idea and "The League of Robber Barons" were close of winning the war... but alas that was not to be. Those damn treacherous bears had a secret weapon to be used in case of emergency. The bears installed a "secret" liberal union-lover in the White House all this time! Anti-trust or Teddy Roosevelt's Folly Even though Roosevelt was a Republican, many historians agree that he may have been a secret liberal democrat working for the bears to destroy America. This anti-trust bear-loving traitor was nicknamed "Trust-buster" by the liberal media and the poor. This un-american union-bear-lover president was very popular among the ignorant masses who blindly supported communism. Teddy "Trust-buster" Roosevelt almost destroyed America's free market and capitalism. Mr. "Trust-buster" didn't like monopolies, instead he believed that business had no business in the job of government or ruling the nation; instead he preffer the unreliable, inefficient, and bureaucratic process called "The Federal Government". Mr bear-lover liberal president trusted big government but he didn't trust big business? That's racist! And "The League of Robber Barons" knew it. However Teddy "unionbearlovingsomuch" Roosevelt had the superpowers of a thousand bears and "The League of Robbers Barons" were no match against him, so they had no choice but to relent and surrender. It was a sad day for America. Many of the Robber Barons had to "break-up" their companies and loose their superpowers. The heartless commie democrats couldn't understand that they were breaking up their wealth families. It was a very heart breaking moment and a dark chapter in America's history. But God and The Baby Jesus wasn't going to allow that. The Republicans learned that Roosevelt was brainwashed by the bears and they broke the hypnotic spell on him, but the damage was done. It would be many years before the Robber Barons could recover from the ridiculous witch-hunts and the anti-trust powers. America won the war but it had a terrible cost. Capitalism was still alive and working but to half of its efficiency, but that would change. The Return of Robber Barons or Supercapitalism Part II But God never forgot the great injustice that the commie bears inflicted on America. So God send his most beloved son, Ronald Regan!!! The Greatest Republican Messiah Ever preached the new gospels of Reganomics and it was good!! America was back!! Soon a new generations of Robber Barons appeared on the new horizon of the Free Market, they were called The Ultra Rich and they made America wealthier than ever! The Ultra Rich also wanted to help America's Greatest Government Ever by setting up lobbying groups to help the politicians to never repeat the mistakes and follies of Teddy "Trust-bust" Roosevelt. Which is why we must keep these groups alone because they know what they are doing. They must also be protected against hippie bear-loving liberals who want to destroy America's capitalism again, and replace it with their bear-loving communism.